(Barchan is in full plate armor, and speaks initially through a closed visor.)
People of Earth! KLATU BARADA NIKTO!
(Lifts visor) Just kidding!
John and Gina. Gina and John. Soon you will become one. I will call you GINOHN!
Ginohn, I have a few words of encouragement that come straight from that weird organ near the diaphragm. But I wrote them on this paper anyway.
First, I ask you to always be true to one another -- and I mean that in the chivalric sense. Wherever your quests take you, whatever perils you may face separately, remember that you have pledged your troth with only one another, and that only you cannot be forced to testify against the other in a court of law.
You two are very special people, not only because you are in a tree, but because, so far, you are the only two people in this whole assembled crowd of odd people who are in a tree. Also, although many in this crowd have been married before, you , Ginohn, have timed your marriage so perfectly as to begin it right now, during the best wedding any of us has ever seen. Does that sound crazy? Maybe it is... it is awfully hot in this helmet.
I am an odd one for giving advice on marriage. I have never been married. It's hard to meet ladies in all this emotional armor. I can't get close to anybody. I am a metaphor for the solitary champion who pretends to need no one. RIGHT! See how long I will last without someone to bring me my horse, someone to bind my wounds, someone to scratch that itch halfway up my back plate. Ginohn, you have no armor between you, keep it that way.
But back to marriage. There are two kinds of marriage -- the one kind and the other kind. But every marriage can have its good and bad sides. Like toast, one side tan and un-buttered, and the other side stuck to the floor. The good side will be: having a loyal loving companion to share your life with until the cows come home. The bad side is: having the same old loyal loving companion day after day sharing your life until the cows come home. Hey, that's not too shabby!
Well, anyway, if you do find a bad side to marriage, remember that you have not only one another to depend on, but all of us as well. We're not just here for the free munchies!
(Draws sword) PEOPLE OF EARTH! Let us swear to support this marriage. All who wish to join this oath, raise high your swords, or your voices, and say these words. I pledge....... to aid Ginohn........as needed........until the cows come home! We wish you peace and long life.
(Assorted mooing from the crowd)