by John Cooper, inspired by Rev. Jim Huber
|Additional contributions by Eric Zuckerman, Nick Walker, St. Chris, Trenchcoat, Kevin Ausman, Jens Ayton, Robin Thompson, Diane Donaldson, Erik Heuer, Matthias Simons, Kevin Kulz, Hornfanatic17, Joel Eagelston, Greg Wright, Jason Balicki, Will Barrows, Brian Griffith, Geremy Wong, Tim Schauf, Patrick O'Leary, Dkr. Armand Geddyn, Keith Fosberg, Daniel J. Geduld, Gregg Davis, David Wills, Libre sans Dieu, Mika, Dean Michael Gores, Paul Murray.|
Hank's Ass is a lovely little parable that the right Rev. Jim Huber created as part
his "I'm an atheist because God told me he doesn't exist" website. It's
pretty damned funny. Using the story of some of Hank's followers
preaching at his doorstep, Huber tricks us into thinking the story is
analogous to something, then he asks us why we think it is analogous to
anything. But we know better, and are willing to take Hank and his ass
into new dimensions of interpretation. If your particular religion has
not had the pleasure of being converted into Hankism yet, please let us know.
Warning -- this is satire, and therefore not necessarily true (and it's not necessarily funny, either). So if you can't take some bad jokes about religions, don't read further. Censor yourself. And remember, I try to respect all religions as much as my own. - JC
Archaic Religions - Kissing Hank's ass once affected our town in various (mostly detrimental) ways.
Ancient Judaism - If you are nice to one of Hank's close personal friends, they will kiss Hank's ass for you, and you'll get some money right away. If you get the shit kicked out of you instead, it's your own damn fault. Keep trying.
Egyptian - Hank is still in town, but will get a million dollars from Bob, Joan, and Martha when he leaves. You can get some too, if you're able to hitch a ride in his limo.
Greco-Roman - Hank and his dysfunctional family are suffering from some trust issues, and aren't giving out any money. It doesn't matter whose ass you kiss; the others will kick the shit out of you.
Asatru (Norse) - Hank started a motorcycle gang and left town, but he shows up every now and then. If you want to join his gang and get the shit kicked out of you by another gang, all you have to do is kick the shit out of people who deserve it (or, alternatively, write really kickass rock and roll lyrics) until somebody makes you leave town. If you join Hank's gang, there's this huge nightclub outside of town, where we're having a blowout party. Anything goes there, even bunless wieners and all sorts of condiments.
Atheism - Hank doesn't have an ass to kiss.
Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him. I think you guys are just making him up!
Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is nothing outside of town. Take me off this list.
Apatheism - I don't care about Hank or any of his money, and neither should you. Here, have some bubble wrap.
Ethical Humanism - Let's kiss each other's asses, and then we can all share the million dollar ass-kissing reward. Whether you go for Hank's million dollars too is your own business.
Scientific Pantheism - This is really an amazing Town, isn't it? Have you checked out the woods and the lake? There's really too much worth seeing and doing here in Town to worry about some guy's money or whether or not he's going to kick the shit out of you. I mean, get a life!
Theistic Pantheism - We agree completely with the Scientific Pantheists, and we have named this town, all of its history, and its entire population "Hank".
Christianity - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he might kick the shit out of you.
Christian Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he's going to kick the shit out of you. Read Karl's list, it's important. Only eat wieners on buns, without condiments.
Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave town, if he feels like it. We think that if you kiss his ass you're more likely to get the million, but it's completely up to him. Oh, and he might kick the shit out of you before he gives you the million dollars. If you want to help other people kiss Hank's ass, you are not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a bun. Karl has Hank's phone number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's decisions, no matter how strange they may seem. Here's an example: Karl's list says that Hank not only wants you to kiss his ass, he wants you to eat it. Literally. Every week, Karl grabs a stack of wafers which he calls HankMeatTM. Karl says Hank clones the meat in vats just outside town. The wafer, however, still looks, feels, smells and tastes in every respect like a wafer. By the way, we have old, elaborate buildings that you can use to eat Hank's ass.
Protestantism - It's OK, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass— but you'll want to, if you trust him. If you don't trust him, he's going to kick the shit out of you when you leave town. If you do trust him, he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Mormonism - If you kiss Hank's ass, after you leave town he'll give you a million dollars. Also, you'll get to wear his designer clothes, live in his condo and drive his Ferrari. Plus, if any of your relatives have already left town, he'll give them a million dollars and Ferraris, too! By the way, we have new, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if you give us money.
Christian Science - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town plus free health insurance right now! If you don't kiss his ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills.
Quaker - Hey, there's no need to pay any attention to Karl or his list. If you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone call from Hank. He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what the moon is really made of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone, if you like.
New Age Christian - You are Hank. You have a million dollars, but you've forgotten it because of the trauma of your Catholic upbringing. My new workshop series will help you remember where you hid it.
Jehovah's Witnesses - Everybody in town should kiss Hank's ass, but only 144 are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town down, which we think will be Real Soon Now. Then he'll kick the shit out of anyone who didn't kiss his ass, and send the rest to a nicer, newer town. Here, have a pamphlet; it describes what we think we mean. We'll be back tomorrow to tell you why everyone else is kissing Hank's ass wrong.
Exodus Ministries - We love you, and we want to help you heal yourself of this terrible sickness of eating wieners The Wrong Way. Let us teach you to enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments. Then, and only then, will you be allowed to kiss Hank's ass and collect your million dollars when you leave town.
Pentecostals - Kiss Hank's ass as often as you possibly can. He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town, and might even teach you a new language or two before you leave town, as long as you don't mind garggle frunning doowaddeck beeble.
Presbyterians - You only have to kiss Hank's ass every now and then and it's OK to forget all about Hank when you're home. You may have bunless wieners, or wieners with condiments, but please - don't over do it.
Brethren - Hey, kissing Hank's ass is a full time career. If you really wanted a million dollars you'd quit your job and join our organization. In addition to showing you how to kiss Hank's ass better than anybody in town, we'll teach essential urban survival skills, such as bicycle repair, dumpster diving, evasion tactics, and memorizing Karl's list.
Episcopal - Hank gives everyone money when they leave town. How much money you get depends on how often you visit our big, elaborate buildings and sit, stand, or kneel while kissing Hank's ass.
Anglicanism - A while back, our mayor wanted to throw away his half-eaten bun and put his wiener on a different bun, but still on a plain bun, no condiments. Karl said no, so the mayor recruited his own helpers and set up his own elaborate buildings in which one may kiss Hank's ass; and allowed himself and others to eat other buns and wieners (but still only one combo at a time.) We know, this doesn't have much to do with Hank, but hey, if it's good enough for the mayor, it's good enough for us.
Metropolitan Community Church - Karl says to ignore that "wieners and buns" item on the list; it's not important anymore. Have all the naked wieners you want -- with sauerkraut even. While you're at it, kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Southern Baptist - OK y'all, it's really, really important that you read all of Karl's list, especially those parts about the Moon being made of cheese and the wieners with buns. If you have any questions, ask us, we know what Hank wants. And if you ever, ever insist on eating wieners without buns, or with condiments, or two wieners at the same time (ugh), we have Hank's permission to kick the shit out of you, or at the very least take away your job and picket your front yard. That bunless wiener stuff just ain't right.
Televangelism - Hank really is out there, and he really wants to give you a million dollars. But he can't give you the million dollars he promised unless you kiss his ass. And if you don't, he's gonna have to kick the shit out of you. But never fear! I, Karl, have a solution that can get you Hank's million dollars. All you have to do is kiss mine and Hank's ass, and you'll be all set. Oh, and send me half your paycheck each month. It's going into...umm...Hank's Million-Dollar Savings Account. Yeah, that's the ticket! You'll get the money back as part of Hank's gift. Honest! Now pay attention while I recite my list from memory...
Amish - Hank will definitely give you a million dollars as long as you kick your own ass every day while kissing his ass. You are only allowed to eat weiners that you process yourself on your own home-made buns. Condiments? Never heard of them. If you don't kick your own ass every day then Hank will do it for you, only he'll keep on doing it and doing it forever. Also, if you kick anyone else's ass, Hank will kick your ass even harder.
Mennonite - The Amish kind of have the right idea about Hank, especially what you shouldn't be doing, but you really only have to slap your ass every day. Hank won't mind. He'll still give you the million dollars when you leave town.
Unity (Unity School of Christianity) - Hank loves you and would never kick the shit out of you. Furthermore, Hank wants to give you a million dollars RIGHT NOW, not when you leave town. For this to happen, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass, but you do have to get your own ass in tune with Hank's. When your ass is vibrating at the same frequency as Hank's, you'll notice a great improvement in your life. Also, people inspired by Hank wrote a list explaining how to get your ass in tune with Hank's, but to really understand it, you can't read it literally...you sort of have to get your ass in tune with Hank's first, then read the list, to know what it really means. Got that? Finally, even though the list clearly says you must eat your weiners in buns, no condiments, when your ass is in tune with Hank's, you'll know this really means you can eat your weiners anyway you want.
Eastern- Hank's kind of out of the picture, but there are still lots of asses to kiss.
Confucianism - Kiss the mayor's ass, and/or do your best to make the town a better place. We have our own protocol list to show you how. You won't get a million dollars, but the townspeople might appreciate your efforts. Karl sometimes gets ticked off that we're not using his list instead of ours, but our items don't really conflict with his. Some of them are just completely different.
Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of something important. We'd tell you more but you should figure it out yourself.
Hinduism - You can Kiss Hank's ass, Sue's ass, and/or Bob's nose. If you leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will probably end up coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass.
Buddhism - Someone left a million dollars in your house. You can find the million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house.
I Ching - Persevere to kiss ass -- riches will follow. No blame.
Shinto - Hank is in the woods by the park. You should take a hike and kiss His ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name to "Hank" after you leave town, and then You can come back to the woods and the townies will kiss Your ass.
Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of one lip kissing ass? If you answer this question correctly on our surrealistic game show, you can win a million dollars, but even before you get the prize you won't want it. Would you like some tea?
Jainism - There is no wealthy philanthropist named Hank. You have amnesia. You've been traveling from one town to another, getting in trouble or playing the hero, racking up rewards or consequences for your actions, then forgetting all about them and moving on to the next town. If you want to break this awful cycle you have to take off all your clothes and stop eating wieners (with or without buns). When you finally leave town voluntarily without clothes or wieners, then your amnesia will go away and you'll realize you've been a billionaire all along. And hey, a billion dollars is better than a million.
Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism - Make a phone call to yourself every day, and repeat the same phrases over and over. Doing this long enough can get you a million dollars, or at least a new car.
Islam - Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, he might kick the shit out of you.
Islamic Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the shit out of you, and we might even make you leave town early.
Nation of Islam - We have stars on ours, so we can kiss Hank's ass properly. Those without stars on thars are bad people; they will never get a million dollars.
Shi'A Islam - A long time ago, Karl died. Then his father-in-law tried to make his own list, but we know Karl's wife hid the real list and gave it to her son. Listen to Karl's wife's son, or we'll kick the shit out of you.
Sunni Islam - Baloney. You know Karl's father-in-law's list is the real one, and if you don't admit that, we'll kick the shit out of you.
Sufism - If you read Karl's list (any version) you'll see that Hank really loves you a lot and wants to give you a million dollars. If you look closely at even the ugliest painting for a long time, you'll see Hank in there, smiling. Or you can just spin around in circles until you get dizzy.
Neo Pagan - Get Hank to kiss your ass.
Scientology - You will be just like Hank once you learn how to kiss your own ass (for a small fee, we can show you how to do this), and then you can give yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us while we're kissing our asses, we might kick the shit out of you or sue you for having fun at our expense.
Discordianism - Look! Hank just kissed my ass! Oh, never mind, that's a pimple... Hey look! Flowers! Oh, my mistake— it's just a million dollars. Hey look! That cloud looks like a bunny!
Wicca - Many years ago some people were forced to leave town early, and took all their teachings with them— secrets about Hank, his girlfriend Barbara, methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since then, those of us who kiss ass the old fashioned way have had to make some stuff up, but we think we’re on the right track. You can join our various ass-kissing groups, some quite different from others. We’re pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and condiments issue. We mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or whether there’s a million dollars outside of town.
Devil Worship - What the heck, kiss knaH's ass.
Heaven's Gate - Kiss Karl's ass, and -- oh, wait, Karl just saw Hank's limo drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it.
SubGenius - KISS YOUR OWN ASS! "Hank" is an ALIEN UNDERWATER BANKER from the Island of the FAMOUS ACTRESSES who have a whole encyclopedia of recipes with sauerkraut and if you kiss Karl's ass just once and send us three dollars, he'll make sure that you get your a million dollars, and all the sauerkraut you can eat! But wait, there's more! If you're not completely satisfied, Karl will kiss your ass three times! This is a limited time offer, so act now -- Hank's buddies are planning to carpet bomb the town next Wednesday. Did we mention the luscious, mouth-watering sauerkraut?...
Amway - Do whatever you like with or without Hank, the important thing to remember is to kiss lots of ass. You kiss my ass and recruit people to kiss your ass in return, and so on. When you have enough people kissing your ass you'll get lots of money, and before you leave town even! Honest. Remember, you must teach your ass kissers not only to kiss your ass, but mine, my up-line, his-up-line all the way to Rich and Jay! Any condiments you use must be purchased from me.
Kibology - Hank is still here in town! His ass is most likely a government plot, written by himself. He became a billionaire and has spent the rest of his life watching the movie Paddle to the Sea too many times. He allows us to eat wieners any way we want, but please don't eat any wiener dogs named Spot (just in case). You can have a million dollars when you leave town, but it's hidden inside the aliens desguised as orange traffic cones, and only the ones along busy freeways. While in town you'll get your ass kicked by knaH. For no reason. You just will.
Twelve-Step Group Therapy - If you are addicted to, say, wieners, there's help! Just follow these steps to full recovery:
Modern Satanism - There is no Hank. You are Karl. Make your own list as you see fit. Eat as many wieners as you want, any way you want, even with a large group of consenting individuals if you want! Take pride in your wiener-eating. Make up large, elaborate ceremonies revolving around the kissing of your own ass, having them photographed and videotaped by the media if possible.
Other - Do other things with Hank's ass. You'll be glad you did.
Judaism - OK, so don't kiss Hank's ass, see if I care. He wouldn't give you a million dollars even if you did. And if he's going to kick the shit out of anyone, it'll be here, in town.
Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different people named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments.
Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing his ass, but for some reason he left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well— guess I'll smoke some weed.
Gnosticism - Hank was a powerful con man who made a lot of trouble while he was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to his name. There's a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money Somewhere, whose ass is certainly worth kissing, but you can only kiss it after you leave town.
Baha'i - It's true! When you leave town Hank will give you a million dollars. Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it; eventually we'll all come to some agreement and everybody in town will be much happier. Oh, one more little thing: Hank definitely doesn't want you to eat wieners unless they're on buns, without condiments.
Zoroastrianism - Don't bother kissing Hank's ass. Since our parents met Hank before anybody else he's not interested in people (other than us) kissing his ass. He's planning on coming back and cleaning up the town someday, after he gives away money and kicks some shit out of people who leave town.
Unificationism - Hank went a little crazy after a gardening experiment went bad, so one of his split personalities started the whole Kiss Hank's Ass thing. Then a couple years later, another personality manifested Itself, claiming he was Hank's son Chris. He got the shit kicked out of him and was thrown out of town and said because he got thrown out you should kiss his ass now. Then he gave Karl a phone call and told him that as long as we start to treat each other real nice, he'll come back really soon and give everyone in town a million dollars. You should give Karl a lot of cash in the meantime because since we aren't ready for Hank to come back to town right now he needs help in getting the message out and stamps aren't free.
Deism - Hank helped build this town, but the list was entirely Karl's creation. Hank may have left clues around town about what he wants; Karl's list is most likely bogus. Don't take anybody's word for what Hank wants unless Hank tells it to you personally. Oh, and don't worry about the million bucks until after you've left town.
Solipsism - I am Hank. I built the town. I have the million dollars. Unfortunately, the negative side of my unconscious mind has a lot of influence on my conscious behavior so I will end up kicking my own ass if I don't kiss my own ass.
Objectivism - There is no reason for me to believe that Hank exists. Karl is a nut, but he's OK as long as he doesn't try to kick my ass. Enough crazy talk about Hank, I can make my own million dollars!
Existentialism - No matter what you do, Hank will kick your ass so there's no point in bothering to kiss his ass or trying to leave town. The million dollars is a myth.
Theosophy - You are wandering from town to town, hopefully taking lots of college courses, until you learn enough about Hank, who is actually you. Wieners with or without condiments were overrated anyway. See you in the next town. Stay in school.
Philosophies - Let's think about this Hank stuff, shall we?
Nihilism - There is no Hank, there is no Karl, there is no million dollars and there isn't even a town but if you go kiss or kick a few people's asses you might at least have fun.
Kantian - You're making up Hank. It is still very good to believe in Hank though, because we can use Karl's laws and pretend they were made by Hank. This way everyone in town will have the same code of conduct. I'm not saying there is not a real Hank, I'm sure he exists because he's a really nice man, and nice people always exist.
Utilitarist - I calculated the pros and cons of the belief in Hank. Well, let me tell you, those wieners with mustard are worth much more than some hypothetical million dollars.
Bertrand Russel's "Why I am not a Hankian" - There are many proofs for Hank's existence. Hankians say that, since this town is really nice, someone had to be its designer. Well, we have a mayor for that, don't we? I don't think Hank is good guy. Only an evil person would kick people's butts and ask us to kiss his. Believers in Hank rely only on fear to get our asses kicked and hope to get the million dollars to convince us of Hank's existence. They say we should not eat wieners with condiments, that's not a law, its only a taboo!
Carl Jung - My father believed in Hank, but I think Hank is just a common dream from a lot of townspeople. You can try to kick or kiss his ass if you want, but preferably in elaborate buildings with lots of symbols. Karl represents your shadow, a part of you that is still unconscious.
Philip K. Dick - Some pink ray of light talked to me last night while I was on LSD and told me there was some kind of Hank in outer space, but not the one people usually believe in. Oh, and Karl is a robot.
Descarte's ontological proof - If it is possible for us to imagine Hank, then Hank exists.